When I Grow Up...

I remember being a little girl and dreaming of walking the runways of Paris and being the next Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford or Nicki Taylor. Well, as I grew up I learned the hard way how belittling and demanding the modeling world is. When I was 15 I was one out of thousands of girls that was picked to be 1 of 50 in a search for models for LA Models. I didn't know it but my best friend's Mom entered me into it. I went into their offices and they tore me apart. They told me I would be great if I changed this and that. It was that day that the little girl's dreams inside of me were torn apart. The next 5 years I was scouted by different agencies, but I would walk into the offices with a shield to protect the little self love I had. Being a teenage girl is hard enough and then put that little girl in L.A. adding that much more pressure to her, it makes it sometimes unbearable. I would not fulfill that dream that I had as a little girl. Instead I chose to pursue the path of academia. I have recently just received my Bachelor's in English from California State University Los Angeles. I am the first in my family to do so and it feels so good. However, the end of something always means the beginning of something else. I don't know what that beginning is. I feel like an aimless wanderer jumping through hoops to get me to my next destination. I have ideas that fill my mind, but nothing that is solid yet. I was watching So You Think You Can Dance tonight and it made me wish that I would have really pursued dance, so I could move the way the people on the show do, but I know that dance isn't my path because if it was I would be there. Who knows though, maybe in a couple of years I will be trying out for the show. I do have until I am 29. I just feel that there is something great waiting for me out there and I just don't know how to obtain it. Maybe I am not supposed to know right now. It is not always the destination that is important, it is the journey to the destination that matters. I just feel so lost that looking around to embrace the journey is hard. I am just trying to catch my balance from the life changes that have happened in the recent months that gaining clarity isn't always easy.

When I was little I was told I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up. Well, now I am 25 and I don't know what I want to be. I used to think I knew, but now that I am here I am so confused on what my calling is. I often wish that I had some amazingly obvious talent that it was pressing against my face that I couldn't help knowing what it is that I have to be, but it isn't that easy for me. The things I used to think I wanted, I no longer know if I desire them and the things I used to dream of seem so far away. I wish it was as simple as it was when I was a little girl to just say " When I grow up I want to be..." and I would become whatever it is. I'm grateful though as contradicting as I may seem, that it isn't that easy because it makes me keep moving forward as opposed to standing still and being content. It is when you are challenged that you grow.

"The greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising up every time we fall"
-Confucius

Saved By The Balls

The best way to cope with a break up is to join a team sport and for me I joined a kickball team. Yes, you read it correctly, kickball. It is flippin' awesome, I'm not going to lie. We had our fourth game tonight and we finally won. My teammates said I was the good luck charm. I unfortunately wasn't able to make it to the games prior to this week, but I came tonight in full affect and was heckling the other team. I am a great heckler; I guess it is from all those years going to baseball games and yelling at the opposing team. After the games we go to Brennan's Pub and play flipcup tournaments. I do not participate in that part because I do not drink beer. Gross! I do cheer my team on though and am damn good at that. I am having a lot of fun with my teammates and it is great meeting new people. Things like this are the positive things that come out of break-ups; not that I encourage breaking up so you can join a kickball team, but things like this make the healing process easier.

Quote of the day:

"To say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows"
-Jean Anouih

The Funniness of Life

Everyday life is changing and in the midst of it all my personal life and self changes with it. I know that this seems so obvious, but it is so apparent to me right now because it seems that everyday something new arises, a new feeling passes, something is altered or something is taken. I feel like this much change hasn't happened for me all at once ever and now it just seems to be ongoing. For the past 2 months my life has been ever changing. My life is growing and I like it. It is sad sometimes, even scary, but it is exciting. It is exciting to know that I am strong enough to endure it all and still wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. I am learning a lot about the person I am, the person I want to be and the person I don't want to be. I am also learning about the people in my life and where I want them in my life. It is uncomfortable and really hard to look at sometimes, but I think this is the best time for me to place the people in my life right now. What is one more thing changed while everything in my life seems to be different. I am happy to say though that I am settling into my new home nicely. It is coming together and it is warm and comforting. It is my first place on my own; just me and Madison. Not everything, including myself, is falling anymore. I am beginning to have a peace of mind and my soul is calming. My foundation is set and my roots are beginning to take refuge in it. I feel the calmness begin to grow in me and I like it. I am laughing again like I used to and having fun with the people I hold dear to me. Life is funny sometimes. Although it was really terrifying and heartbreaking, the clouds are parting and I see the green grass that is right below me. The grass is greener on my side too.

Inspiration at it's Best

"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation. Yes we can. It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom. Yes we can. It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness. Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can. We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea -- Yes. We. Can"



I know that this whole speech is out in the media and has become a song that is sung by the latest people in pop music, but I can't help read this and be so inspired. I am truly hoping that our country is eager enough to become the best country we can be and demand change. I think that Barack Obama is the man for this because of the fact that he doesn't have years of political experience. He has an untainted opinion that can go into the White House with a fresh perspective and turn this country around. We are in a huge hole of debt and half of the world thinks we are a country full of big headed idiots. It is time we change that and show what the United States was founded on. Freedom. Forward thinking. Independence.

Yes we can...

The Waves of Life

The last time I posted I was on a traveling high and simmering in the good life of Berlin. I went to Paris, which was beautiful, but didn't even compare to Berlin as far as the comfort. Boston was super fantastic. I don't know if it was the accents or the small feeling of a big city that got me, but I wouldn't mind living there one day.

All of that brings me to 2008. Wow, how life is a changing. I view it as waves coming over me and crashing. I feel every bit of it, but embrace it because like it or not, I'm going to get wet. I will officially be a college graduate March 11. This is the day I take my last final as an undergrad! Can you believe it? This journey has taken me 5 flippin' years, but I am almost there and I can taste it. I will be attending Grad school in the Fall. I no longer work in the fashion industry; thank God! I now am working for a therapist and the job is a lot calmer. I am also on the beginning of my path of independence. Like Forrest Gump once said, " Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what your gonna get." And for this part of my life, that quote is quite fitting. I'm excited though for all of this change. I won't lie there is fear looming inside of me, but what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Whoa! I am on a quote roll.

Life is strange, but it is beautiful. I have been reading a book about Buddhism that has been helping me move through the fear and get to a place of acceptance and excitement. I'm not one for conformed religion, but if I ever needed to choose one it would definitely be Buddhism. The book I am reading talks about bodhichitta. The name broken down, chitta means "mind" and also "heart" or "attitude." Bodhi means "awake," "enlightened," or "completely open." I mean really who couldn't love what that stands for? It just talks about the rawness of feelings and how people try to not feel their feelings because we are taught to hide them or to cover them up and pretend all is well. The author, Pema Chodron, gives an analogy for it, "bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart." That is where I am right now; in the middle of all my feelings during the rawness of a broken heart.

I won't leave y'all on a sad note. Instead I will bust out a quote to life you up.

"Right actions for the future are the best apologies for wrong ones in the past." -- Tyron Edwards